So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
