shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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