but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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