he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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