Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I've blown a few things in my day
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
