I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
