I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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