Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
