My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Life is so much better after having sex.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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