captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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