Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
