If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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