i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
