I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
