I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
