he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
All the doctor said was why
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
