My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
