I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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