a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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