Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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