My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
