I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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