Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
