I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
