Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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