Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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