The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
