P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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