I'm going to jail i love you
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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