so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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