We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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