Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
