Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
