I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
