Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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