He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
