When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
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