I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
