You can't special order awesome
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
