when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
