sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
