He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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