i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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