I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
