Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
