2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
