She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You were trust falling into bushes
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
