it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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