i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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