DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
